Be that volunteer...

Be that volunteer…

And no… I don’t mean spending your Saturday’s standing behind a charity shop counter or knocking on people’s doors trying to get them to sign up to the latest dog charity- although those people are amazing. Those people do those jobs because of a love and a genuine care for others and I admire anybody who spends their free time volunteering for charities.

I often feel that people see my images that I share online… those 5* luxury all inclusive holidays, my brand new mini cooper, my lovely photographs with my beautiful son, and the perception is that I live this perfect lifestyle when the reality is very different. At one stage in my life this wasn’t my destiny, it was completely out of reach and was never going to be my life. Yes, I do have nice things; an alright house in a lovely area, my dream car, and the ability to treat myself more often than I should. I really do feel like the luckiest girl alive, but everything that I have stems from that one choice that I made… to be a volunteer. Something that I never thought I would do, something that I never thought I had the time for, something that I never thought people of my age did. This post is not about me telling you to volunteer, its hypothetical. I was the volunteer and that is what changed my life but for you it might be something different, it might be joining a class or a group or a gym etc.

My story is something that I’ve been wanting to share since I was 20 years old. I have a desire burning deep inside of me to help young parents who want to better themselves but sadly, I’ve never found the time or had the faith in myself to do so. Who can relate to a 26-year-old parent who is happy and positive, living in a lovely place with the job of her dreams trying to tell them how to get themselves out of a ‘single parent, no aspirations rut’?! Nobody! But I just want to put it onto paper/ word doc- maybe this is more of a diary than anything else. I don’t know, its just something I want to share. I know that so many young girls have and are going through what I went through and so many young girls have it so much worse than I ever did but I just want to help. I want to share my story to give others perhaps a glimmer of hope when those dreams seem completely out of reach. I want those girls to know that they can have anything that they want, that their life is not spiralling into a pit just because of the current circumstance. I didn’t always have my dream car or a job that I absolutely love, or a positive mental attitude. Something inside of me drove me to having such things and my wish is for all young girls to have the same drive.

This morning I read the following quote and it sparked this post. On social media I see too often girls who are going through exactly what I did, seeming so stuck, either in work that they hate or no work at all and I just want them to know that it does not have to be like this. You can make changes and you can have those things that you have always dreamed of.

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it.” Steve Jobs

I don’t need to go into the ins and outs of everything, but becoming a mum at 19 is a scary thing. Becoming a single mum at 19 with no aspirations, no qualifications, no driving license, no job is even scarier (even with the most supportive family). I can still remember exactly how I felt the day the health visitor handed me a leaflet for a ‘young mums group’ called WILD (and it was at times, quite literally)-I was put into that box, the one that was all too common in the place that I was living. We were young mums and that was it, no jobs, no income, no aspirations, all grouped together by somebody desperately trying to get us to do something/anything with our lives. I absolutely hated that group and I remember feeling so embarrassed if anybody found out that I went, not because of the other mums that went, not because of the things we did there but because of the horrible stigma that came with it, the instant label and assumptions by ‘outsiders’. At school I was labelled as a good girl who was clever, and everybody expected me to do well in my education, but the reality was very different. When I fell pregnant at 18 everybody was shocked, they didn’t expect it from me of all people and I remember the gossips and hurtful whispering behind my back from some of my ‘friends’. I was a complete failure and I knew that if those people who I’d gone to school knew about this group I’d be a laughing stock. However, I made amazing decisions as a part of that group, I took my baby for his first time swimming, I met other young mums in the same situation as I, I learnt to build dens using sticks (god knows why) and I completed a cancer research race (walking). I have so much to owe to that group and the lovely lady who ran it. From the moment that I joined WILD my life changed. I had a purpose and I knew that there was more to life than just being a mum. I was allowed to be Jo as well as Mummy and more than that... I was allowed to feel all of the things that normal 19 year olds feel without having to pretend that I was older and more mature with my life in order just because I was a mum.

I can clearly remember the day that the lady arrived at WILD to talk to us about Cornwall volunteers and the look on our faces!! How on earth did us young mums have time to bloody volunteer, we all had newborns, some with more than one and we struggled to leave the house ourselves let alone commit to helping others! There was no way that we could even comprehend volunteering or doing anything outside of our baby’s routine of; feed, change, nap, feed, change, nap (all in-between arguing with or about our current or ex boyfriends and how they never did anything to help us- I’ve come to realise that this is just women, nothing is ever good enough hehe). As we sat in a circle around the table scowling at and firing negativity towards the poor volunteer lady something inside of me sparked and out of probably 10 or so others, I think I was the only one who said finally caved and said yes. I don’t know why I said yes because the thought of it filled me with horror, dread and anxiety but I just did. Those same emotions of dread, sickness and negativity still fill me every single time I say yes to opportunities now but I’ve just learnt to not let them stop me. I had no idea what I wanted to volunteer in and I didn’t have a clue how I was going to manage it with a baby but I just said yes. That decision changed everything for me. I wasn’t driven or motivated and in fact, I didn’t have many thoughts about it at all, I’d just said yes to an opportunity.

I chose to volunteer in a local school 1 day a week. Somehow, i’ve always known that I wanted to work with children so the lady suggested going to a school to work in a class of year 2 children. I volunteered at the school for probably 2 or 3 months and I absolutely loved the children. I loved having something to do once a week but I hated the stigma that still came with the group- the staff knew that I was volunteering to try to do something with my life after being in such a disaster and I felt judged, although that was probably more down to my own anxiety and self-consciousness. Week after week I attended the school, doing little jobs here and there to help the teacher but I felt rubbish at it! The teacher didn’t seem to like me and to be honest my shyness meant that I probably spent the day lurking around, appearing lazy but for somehow I kept going. As I’ve grown older I’ve realised that I’m pretty resilient- I’ve been rejected for many things such as jobs and university places but for some reason I always get myself back up and keep going. I don’t know why that is, I don’t consider myself motivated, I just deal with stuff when it comes my way and I don’t give up.

It was because of my unmotivated and impulsive decision that I ended up in college later on that same year. Going to college led me to securing a place in a Russell Group university in town hundreds of miles from ‘home’ (can you even imagine- that 19-year-old single parent with absolutely no aspirations in life, gaining a degree- an alright one at that- from such a prestigious university. It still shocks me now!). I then went on to gain a teaching qualification and finally, I was offered a job at a lovely school in a wonderful village, looking after 30, amazing little 5 and 6 year olds. I go to work every single day feeling incredibly proud of myself and my achievements, but I look back on the decisions that I made to get here and realise that I am just a normal girl who simple said yes to an opportunity. I never once thought I would end up here, and I know there are thousands of girls out there who feel that this would never be possible for them. But here I am… living proof!

We are often too quick to say no to opportunities because of the fear of the unknown or the horror of change. We tend to rationalise our decisions by being ‘realistic’ and take a safer option and sometimes this is the right and sensible thing to do. But, sometimes saying yes is all it takes. I want those young mums; the ones stuck at home scraping together a couple of quid from their income support for a bottle of milk and a loaf of bread, the ones crying themselves to sleep every night because their partner has left them and they don’t know how they are going to have the energy to wake up and do it all over again alone tomorrow, the mums who go out every weekend because it’s their only opportunity to be themselves and not just mummy, and those who hold onto any man who pays them the smallest bit of attention because they feel worthless and ugly because of being ‘damaged goods’, to realise that they too can have the life that seems so out of reach! I’ve been there, that was me…but I’m not anymore. I love my life. I’m proud of who I am, and you can be too.

This story is the smallest part of my journey of becoming who I am today, but I feel so passionate about helping others that I wanted to share this tiny part of my life. I am no different to the next 19-year-old single parent, I just took a chance. My story is not one of pity and sadness although I’ve felt a lot of that over the years. I’ve had many occasions that I’ve just wanted to give up, in fact I spent most of 2010 crying myself to sleep every night wondering what I was going to do with my life and how I could bring any happiness to my son. If only I could tell my 2010-self that the opportunities and the ways out were right in front of me and that patience was key! I will probably look back at this post later on and laugh from embarrassment but it just feels important to let someone know that it’s possible. It feels therapeutic to express my feelings and I guess it’s a bit of a self-help post for myself. I know that when I’m having a bad day I can look back at my journey with the realisation that my bad day will never be as bad as it has been previously (touch wood). We should all feel proud of our journey in life to becoming who we are, and if we don’t, we need to take the opportunities to change it. Being a young, single parent does not define you or bring you down, in fact, it opens hundreds of doors for you, you just need to be brave enough to go through one. There will be times when you want to give up, and times when it feels like you’re going nowhere. You might not have a vision for your future, or any idea where an opportunity might take you. There will be times when you’re terrified and exhausted from the rollercoaster of emotions, but just take the risk to be where you want to be. I guess what I’m trying to say is just be brave- be the one who says yes to volunteering. Do what it takes to get to where you want to be. Take those chances, get out of those ruts, say yes more and pick yourself back up once you’re knocked back.